Hey my friends
It's a weird day. So Weird that I don't even know how to tell you...
Last night I got my April beauty box, which I planned to tell you about it today. The products inside were really nice this month. Not from really big brands, but the products are suitable for Spring. I really am not in the mood of talking about beauty girly stuff today. Maybe I will talk about it next week.
Well... how to start... First off, I treat this whole blog as my 'diary'. So, somehow it may get a little personal. I try my best not to name names or get too emotional about it, especially when it is the negative side. Haha, it's not really that negative today, but I hope you don't mind that I share with you my inner feelings.
OK! Well... A very special friend of mine sent me an email last week, telling me that he is on a project that he wants to tell me about it. I was and still am surprised that he would pick me as the person that he would share with. In a good way, for sure. I feel proud and honoured that I am someone he trusts and talks to about this major issue. I know that for him, it is a really massive issue, throughout his life. To me, it is a milestone. An important changing point that resembles Everything Is Getting Better.
So we skyped today. I didn't open my cam at first, as I didn't know how to do it. I just couldn't do it, it's like forcing myself to face my weakness, my past. Now I feel that I was quite impolite that way. He then closed his cam too, that's fair. So, we talked. No, in fact it was just him telling me his project. I was listening and really happy for him that he is finally doing this and everything sounds really organized and well-planned. Though he failed before, but I feel that he is on the right track this time. I wish all the best for him.
So it came to a part the he was talking about the details of the project, so I asked both of us to open cam and let me see the work he mentioned. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but there was still a slight shiver in my body. I guess that feeling will never go away, not to this person in my life. I thought I put it down already, but when I see him 'face to face' on skype, there's no fooling. I miss him. I love him. The form of love might have changed already, not that 17 year-old childish blind love. Not like the stupid fly that wants to get inside the irresistible light bulb no matter what the consequence is.
We talked and talked, for over 2 hours. It felt really good to just Talk to an old friend like that, calmly, no drama, honestly, openly and with care. After the precious 2 hours, I told myself ' This man is one of a kind, no matter what his flaws are. The fact is everyone has his own flaws. ' Some minutes might be awkward that no body was talking, but it really was so good that I felt like we were getting back in time. We used to talk about everything, anything, So Happy! It's still the same today. I told him that we cannot get back like the old days, but we are forever bonded, we will forever care about each other and love each other. He agreed to me.
At a point he said ' You are very, very lovely Sara. ' I believe that he really meant it, and I also believe he meant more than that. It's cruel, that things happened are happened, you cannot change them. Heart is even more fragile than glass, once you break it, it will no longer be the same. You may be able to glue it back, but it will always have a mark on it. You may pretend that you cannot see it, but you Know it and you cannot forget it.
Don't ever get me wrong, he is not a bad person, he indeed is a good person in a hopeless place. I love him, I admire him, I treasure him. During the time we were apart, I wanted him so bad that I Just Want To Get Him Back. He was my whole world, I know nothing but him. Time passes, it was so hard to force myself to put things down. I guess I have done 80% of it, that remaining 20% may never be successful. I told him I will send him back some of the stuff he sent me, but I still can't give up all of it. I am still keeping most of it, I can't forget it. I think they are history, a part of growth that I had with him. He is like a mentor, teaching me to be a more mature person and a lady.
He is smart, knowledgeable, humorous, tall and getting back in his good shape. He knows everything! Everything, literally! Such a great person. I am proud that I have him in my life and I play an important role in his. In his project he has to tell two persons about it, he put his dad's name and then mine. He said I am the first person he talked to about it. The moment I heard it, I wanted to hug him so much! He thinks I deserve this and he wants me to be part of it. That means a lot to him, and me too.
I always think he has the potential to be better. It may sound very mean of me and I don't have the authority to say this, but I think his mom has never been a good mother. Being a parent is not just about money and material satisfaction. You gotta have the Patience to be a role model for your kids, you have to spend time with them, you have to share in depth conversations them. His mom is a nice and kind-hearted lady. I think maybe she is too ambitious and Strong herself, she can't accept people having flaws or failure. Well, I understand that. She doesn't understand people having their own flaws, she simply puts her own standard on others.
For her, one of her flaws is not being caring enough and she doesn't really listen to other people. In her office, she stick to her own style and making enemies but she is cool about it as she is so strong and powerful and does all the right things. But she forgot this is her son, her family! I mean you cannot have the same standard in the living room and the office. People you are dealing with are different. You may fire your colleagues or ignore them for the rest of your life. Sadly, you cannot do the same to your family, especially your offsprings. You can get a divorce, but you will always have that bond with your kids. You have the responsibility for him, it's not a doll that you play with at 6.
You know, I hate her somehow. I hate her for not being supportive and being a good mother for my friend. Person like me may be seen as weak in her eyes. I don't know what she's thinking, and I am probably being subjective to blame her like this. I don't know, I don't know anything. I just know that my friend now will treat me differently after I told him what I think and I told him we have to continue our lives and not to think about the history. This is what I wanted when I was hysterically sad without him, that I hoped we could at least keep some form of connection and friendship after the split. I seriously begged that I could at least have him in my life. But then now I feel a tiny empty hole in my heart. I brought this to myself?? Probably, but he understands it's the right way too.
Another surprise that he gave me was he will send me another email telling me when to talk next time, that he still wants to chat with me. We may not have much to talk about later in the future. And it Will be really awkward. I have no idea, I think it's an art, if not philosophy on How To Be A Good Ex Close Friend. Oh! On the other hand, we might not be talking anymore after talk next week, maybe he will find it pointless to talk to me, since I no longer am a 'candidate'.
No Idea. Everything will be totally different after next week. For him and for me, in any sense.
Haha, now I feel I am being really mature, maybe too mature for my age. He also said that he was really impressed by me being able to move on and trying to go out and experience more and being more mature than before. I really thank him for this. Honestly, it's because of him, that I force myself to learn more and experience this world more. ( Writing this blog is also part of my goal. )He used to asked me often that if I have anything to say. It's not like I am an introvert person, but I really have nothing to say! Then I realize maybe because I have done nothing in my life, so I have nothing to share. That's bad! No guy like a girl like that! I don't like a person like that!
I was or maybe still am the inspiration for him to work on his project that changes his life. He is also my inspiration to change my life in a better one. That's romantic too! :) Oh! And today we found that the two of us both have a pen the look similar and from the same brand! Haha, that is sweet. I am really happy about that, I guess that is the first thing we both own. Especially after all the drama, after our mutual understanding and one in depth conversation today, it means a lot to me.
:) Remember I said today's weird? After writing this post, feelings have become more logical now. It's not weird anymore, I feel happy for him and me. We are working together for our own goals, with others' supports. I may be making everything too beautiful in my mind, but that's what it means to me. He may change his mind and choose to forget me, but I will always keep him in my prayers.
Let me end this post this way:
This is how I felt the first few days during the split. Hoping that we may get back together (?) and not being sure about ho I felt. I guess if he told me anything, I would follow his demands that time.
I was hopelessly sad for like two weeks, then I felt like this. ( Not like he had another one ) You know, you feel that you have already accepted the fact that there is no hope between you two and you still love him so much that you would wish him all the best. You don't even care about yourself at that moment, you just hope that he would get happier and be a better person.
Ha! Yep, I then entered the Angry Stage. I think this stage is the most important. It brings you back to 'normal' and Wow, you will be amazed by yourself that you can achieve so much when you only focus on your work and nothing else.
Yes, this is how I feel right now for him. He will forever be my very special, if not best friend, though we are like half the planet apart. He's got my whole support, I will be happy for him and get his back whatever he does. : )
He has my love and prayers. 143.
WELL! Very Well. This is the best way to end this post, I am loving this post a lot. I enjoy writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it, a bit of my feelings. Today's post is late, because I really do need some time to clear my mind after the skype talk. I hope you can keep my friend in your prayers too, he is now facing a major challenge in his life. I know he can make it this time. It's super hard, but he is doing it right this time.
I love him so much and I hope you are giving some more love to the people you know too. Sometimes you may think it's not your business, but you really do have some responsibility of changing/ helping that person you know. Believe in yourself that you can help him to be the person he wants to be. It's a really beautiful thing.
Enjoy your life and show some love and care to the ones you love. <3
Love, S.
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